Can you see it yet?
“Hey, up there … Striped-Boy, does you see anythin’ yet?

“Nothin' different so far, Stretch, buddy.”

“Maybe we is on a wild goose chase, huh?”

“I don’t ever had me one of those.”

“Those what?”


“Okay, Smart-Ass, you know what I means!”

“Don’t be callin’ me Smart-Ass, we don’t talks about that side of the family.”

“How’s about Dumb-Ass?”

“I don’t do dumb.”

“You sure coulda fooled me.”

“Oh you do feed me the best lines, Stretch, boy.”

“What lions’?

“Egzackerly.  So, what are Hooman-Beans supposed to looks like?”

“Don’t know for sure.”

“Then how the hell am I meant to know when I sees one?”

“They’ll be different.”

“What sort of different?”

“Weird lookin’ different.”

“Weird funny? Or weird spooky?”

“Don’t know.”

“You are such a great help Stretch."

“We’s gots ta find ‘em, Striped-Boy.”

“How come it be so damned important?”

“Rains comin’.”

“It has a habit of doin’ that in the wet-season.”

“Not like this it don’t. Never mind. Can you hears that moanin’?”


“What in hell is that?"

“Somethin’s tryin’ to sing.”

“What is them singin? I can’t quite understoods it.”

“Oh what a bootiful mornin’! Oh what a bootiful day! The sky is as high as a Gi-raffes right thigh. An ….”



“Where what?”

“Where be the Elephant’s.”

“No … Dumb-ass, the song … it be Elephant’s.”

“You feelin’ all right Stretchy-boy?”


“You appears to be fixatin’ on Elephant’s.”

“Only their eyes.”

“Say what?”

“The damn song is about Elephant’s eyes and corn.”

“Where’d the corn come from?”


“Read my li…. Ooops … heh, heh! Sorry!”

“Grgle—sssmurgdjf—aargh—splutter! Striped-boy you is disgustin’. What did you eats for breakfast?”

“I done said I was sorry!”

“Warn me next time!”


“So I can tip you on your stinky, striped, smart-ass!”

‘Hey Stretchy--that ain’t nice.”

“So sue me!”

Sue me? First it’s elephant’s and corn, and now you wants me to call ya Sue?  Did you hate your momma?”


“It’s a theory I’m workin’ on…everbody I ever met must a hated theys momma’s?”


“Well Sigmund Fraud says s…!”



“I don’t smoke.”


“You’d better not be, the first act was bad enuff!”

“No … sshhhh! Be’s quiet ... I sees Hooman-Beans. It’s gots to be them. They sure are weird. I am talkin’ seriously weird--like thems momma’s would of hated ‘em right back, weird!”

“How far away is they?”

“Down by the water hole.”

“It’s startin’ to rain, we gots to hurry!”


“Cause it be rainin’!”

“Okay—Stretch—lets—takes—it—real—slow—like. Why—would—the—rain—make—us—have—to—find—the—Hooman—Beans?”

“Be—cause—I—damn—well—say—so!  And –I—can—tip—you—off—any—damn—time—I—like!”

“Rain sounds like a perfickly good reason to me, Stretchy my boy!”

“Figured it might.”

“Okay, we’s gonna have to move in closer; real quiet like, try not to move your head too much. Okay?”

“You just hold on tight.”

“Oh, don’t you be worryin’, I aints about to let go.”

“Ggdhhelh, murgnfkle!”

“Say what, Stretchy boy? I cant’s understands nothin’ you is sayin’; and I knows I didn’t fart again.”

“Mygkle glump fumpleargle!”

“Is you speakin’ in tongues? You is turnin’ blue! I’m gonna call an xorsist! Don’t you be lettin’ your head spin around in circles or I will be in deep shit?”

“You is chokin’ meeeeeee!”

“Ooooops … sorry, buddy. Blue looks really good on you, heh,heh!”

“It do?”

“It does.”

“Picky, picky always correctin’ and findin’ fault.”

“But! Oh never mind. So runs it by me one more time. Just egsackerly why is we here again?”

“The voice told me that when the rain started I had to find the Hooman-Beans. The voice said I had to bring me a mate, so here we is.”

“Whoa--backs up a step. The VOICE, told you?”

“You hard of hearin’ ?… That’s what I said.”

“Did this, VOICE, have a body attached?”

“Not egsackerly.”

“Not egsackerly … hmmm, perhaps it was semi-detached?”

“Nooo! Not egsackerly.”

“So, you heard this, VOICE. And it told you to find these things called Hooman-Beans, when it rained?”

“And I had to brings my mate!”

“Yes, well … are you quite sure that I am the sort of mate it meant?”

“What other sort is there, damn it? We is buddy’s, pals, mates, ain’t we?”

“Well yeees—but I don’t think … !”

“I’d noticed that.”

“Hmm. What I was tryin' to say, maybe the, eh-hem, VOICE, meant for you to bring your female mate.”

“What female mate?”

“The one you play Dangly-Tangly with.”

“What in the hell is Dangly-Tangly?”

“You don’t know what Dangly-Tangly is? How old are you?”


“Well--my long necked, elephant fixated, voice hearing, Hooman-Bean hunting, rain loving friend. At six-years-old, you should know exactly what Dangly-Tangly is. Are you sure you don’t hate your momma?”

“Careful--Striped boy. I wouldn’t want you should fall off a cliff or somethin’.”

“Hmmm, a touch sensitive about mommy, are we?”

‘You too huh?”

“Doh! So, this um … VOICE—where egsackerly did you hear it?”

“In my damned ears Dumb-ass!”

“Oh spare me! Where—did—the—VOICE—come—from?”




“Fine, whatever ! How long you been hearing voices?”

“Not, VOICES, Dumb-ass. One single voice!”

“Fine … so how long already?”

“What year is this?”

“Don’t change the subject. Hold still for just a moment … Aaarrrgh … that’s better, heh-heh … Sorry!

“Ohhhh, that is digustin’!”

“Rains gettin’ heavier.”

“You is just tryin’ to change the subject.”

“Damn straight!   Dare I ask, what did the VOICE tell you would happen after you found these, Hooman-Beans?”

“We go on a free cruise.”

“We go on a FREE CRUISE?”

“Why are you talkin’ in capital’s?”

“It’s called SARCASM!”

“Do tell!”

“Back to the FREE CRUISE.”

“In capital’s.”

“Whatever! What is a cruise, and why is it free?”

“No idea.”

“To which question?”

“Both of ‘em.”

“Anything else I might like to know, being as I’m up here, in the rain, with someone that hears the VOICE?”

“We gots ta find the Ark.”

“Say what?”


“You sound like a crow with a stutter.”

“ Even I’ll pay that one, heh-heh!”

“ Oh well-- how perfeckly simple! We jus’ has to find somethin’ called an Ark—Ark, so we can go on somethin’ called a cruise, with somethin’ called Hooman-Beans?”

“When it’s rainin’!”

“Of course how could I forget. So, dear Stretch, what is an ARK, and if you dare say AARDV-ARK, I promise you, I will fart again!”

“It’s a bunch of cut up trees all put together.”

“Put together?’’


“In a bunch?”


“Well that just makes perfect sense.”

“Is you bein’ sarcastic again?”

“Oh, clever you.”

“Anyways, we finds the Ark, and then we signs in.”

“I am afraid to ask!”

“We has to sign in, so they can cross our names off.”

“Off what?”

“The list.”

“Take a deep breath, Stretch boy, now, explain this list, nice and slow…. It might helps a little to understoods why we have our names on it.”

“Cause a whole bunch of animals is going on this free cruise. Them’s names is on the list, and only two of each is allowed to go.”

“And you in your smartness, decided to bring me? Not that I aren’t grateful or nothin’. But, Stretchy boy; don’t you thinks maybe you was supposed to brings along a mate of the Dangly-Tangly sort … a female … you know, female?”

“What in blazes would I wanna bring a female for? Thems irritatin’ critters.”

“There you go again, negative negative. Always negative!”

“Does you really thinks I’m negative?”

“I’m positive.”

“Oh my.”

“Rains getting much heavier Stretchy.”

“This ain’t nothin’! The Voice said it’s gonna be like this for another 39 days and nights.”

“Gasp! We could drown!”

“That’s why we gotta find them, and that, in this! Fast!”

“You couldn’t have told me this up front?”

“You didn’t ask?”

You boys are in deep doo—doo!”

“Who said that?”

“I didn’t say nothin’. What’s up Striped-boy my buddy? You is losing your color. Oohh--I knows what it am. You heard it--didn’t ya? You heard THE VOICE?”


“Speak up, buddy!”

“Yes … alright, alright I heard it, ok! Enough already!”

“What did it say, huh, what did it say?”

“I’ll have to asks it agains.”


“The what? Your VOICENESS?”




“Um, er, excuse me …. Hello … Your VOICENESS, is there any catch to this one? Um, hello—hello, is you there?”

“What happened, Striped boy?”

“ He’s gone out, I got his voice mail.”


“He left a voice message of course!  We’s gonna have to catch a Big Yellow Submasomethin’ , waiting for us around the next corner on the left.

“What’s a Submasomethin’?”

“Oh—oh dear. The VOICE, didn’t say, but it’s yellow, and it’s big!”

“Er…um, Striped-boy, buddy … what be a corner?”

“Oh, damnation…I’ll try again!”

“Yo. Your VOICENESS sir, hello … are we connected?”

“Well—what it say—what it say?”

“He’s out!”

“What! Was there another message?”


“Well…. What am it are?”

“Don’t matter ... we just has to find us a big yellow something and a corner!”

“Where am the VOICE at?”

“He be busy.”

“Doin’ what … ?”

“He be out, carvin’ something called commandermints--10 of ‘em, on stone tablets!”

Commandermints? On STONE tablets?”


“I find that … a little hard to swallow!”

“Even I can’t believe you just said that.”

“Um-Striped-boy. Can you explains what that Dangly- Tangly stuff is about.”

“Can’t you asks your Momma?”

“I hates my Momma.”

“I’m shocked!”

“Pleeease, Striped-boy, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal!”

“Well. Okay—um … what egsackerly does you knows about them birds … and them bees?”

“Say what? What has buzzards and insects gots to do with Dangly-Tangly?”

“Why does I gets the feelin’ this are gonna be a long conversational?”


“Deer? What deer?”


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